Reflections:
a letter to all who journeyed with me for
a while
January 30, 2002
by Donna Rose Stewart
I've
been going through an especially difficult time: mid-life crisis,
perhaps? I was feeling really "bad" that I had gotten
so off track with what I believed I came here (on earth) to
do. During my soul searching, I realized that I had been feeling
guilty for leaving my marriage and husband 23 years ago, and
that I'd been carrying this guilt around with me all this time!
I'd been trying to make up for my "failed" marriage
by giving way too much of myself and by putting up with behavior
that, otherwise, I never would have allowed in my life. I adopted
the values, interests and desires of other people, while ignoring
my own needs. I punished myself by not allowing myself to sing
or to be happy, on any consistent basis. After all, I didn't
deserve it, did I? - Wow, what a "trip" I put myself
through!
Even
though I had never considered the possibility of guilt around
this issue (as it had taken me over a year to make the decision
- through much prayer and meditation - until I knew in my heart
and soul that it was the right thing to do), I (now) wondered
if I had made a mistake in leaving, all those years ago. If
I had stayed, I would still be singing and, thus, "on track"
(I reasoned).
And
then, a couple of nights ago, I realized that because of this
decision, not only can I sing, I can dance and I can teach.
I can now do many things that I never dreamed of or would have
wanted for myself, such as: management (ladies' clothing, fitness
clubs, health foods), aerobics and fitness instruction, body-building,
massage therapy, computers and the internet, bookkeeping and
accounting, running my own businesses, etc. If I hadn't made
such a difficult decision, I would never have done these things,
had the experiences I have had, been where I have been and met
all the other people that I have, etc. I would not be the woman
that I am today.
I've
been through "heaven & hell" to get to where I
am - I've learned about life in this world and can relate to
almost anyone in one way or another. My journey has helped me
to help others, and I have so much more to offer because of
the life that I've lived. I chose to follow that voice inside
of me and "not the way of the world."
I
am grateful, after all, to be here. And I am grateful to all
of you who journeyed with me for a while (regardless of whether
things appeared "good or bad" at the time). I have
grown because of you and I'd like to thank you for the energy,
time, and love that you shared with me. I am a better person
for having met and known each and everyone of you. I remember
you with love . . . . I hope that you remember me in the same
way.
Revised:
January 6, 2003
Copyright © 2002, 2003 Donna Rose Stewart, All Rights Reserved
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